A how to guide on preparing and serving dinosaur

[CarnegieCollector]

Welcome! I am here to inform all of you how to prepare and serve dinosaur and other prehistoric animals.

Velociraptor: Velociraptor is a great delicacy, and simple enough to make, as you will see.

Step one: plucking. Before you can even think about cooking velociraptor, you must first pluck all feathers in the areas you will be eating (legs, arms, neck (for some), and body). Difficulty depends on your depiction of velociraptor your using. Some are moderately feathered, some extremly feathered, some only lightly feathered, and some specially bred Raptors, such as V. Antrrihoppus, don't have any feathers and are much easier to prepare! After all feathers are plucked (which I recommend donating to pillow and blanket companies), use a butcher knife and cut off tail, hands, feet, and head. Then use a thin knife to cut down stomach and remove organs, heart, lungs, ect. Discard these inedible parts. Let Raptor body soak in water for 18 hours

Step two: Preparing. Preheat oven to 350 F. Lay your raptor in a deep pan, with about 2 inches to spare in any direction. Lightly season with garlic powder. Prepare 2 small bags of commercial gravy, and pour over the raptor. After your done seasoning, lay a tin foil tent over the pan. Put raptor in oven when it is done preheating, and set timer for 3 hours. Every 20 mins, use a baster to keep the raptor from drying out. This is very important.
While your waiting, pour a can of cut green beans into a large bowl. Lightly salt, and microwave for 5 mins.

Step three: Serving. After raptor is done cooking, take it out of the oven. Use pot holders, it will be hot! Remove tin foil tent and use knife to cut off desired section of meat. Put meat and green beans on large dinner plate. As Raptor is expensive (going for an all time high of a whopping $78,908,422.99 plus tax)  and a rare delicacy, I recommend eating with champagne. Eat (preferably with real silverware) and enjoy!
While your eating, contemplate why you spent over $1,000,000 on a meal.

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Mos-chops. Mos-chops are made from moschops meat. As slaughtering and dissecting a moschops is lengthy and tiresome, we will be using commercialy sold mos-chops. They go for around $10 a pound

Step one: preparing. First off, Tenderize Mos-chops with fork. Crack a large Citipati egg into a large deep plate, and stir it. Get large bag of ceasar croutons and crush them with a rolling pin. Flop Mos-chops around in egg, then, Drop Meat into the bag of crushed croutons, and shake it. Remove mos-chop and lay it on plate.

Cooking: Preheat grill to 400 F. And Lay Mos-chop on grill, flipping occasionally. The recommended serving size for one person is 1 mos-chop, but you may make as many as you desire.
Meanwhile, get a large water filled pot and set it to boil. shuck a piece of corn and Put it in the pot, allow it to cook for 5 mins. When finished, butter and salt the corn to your liking. After 10 mins, the mos-chop should be ready. Season lightly with BBQ sauce.

Serving: lay meat on plate, along with commercial Macaroni salad and your corn.
I recommend you watch your favorite show and drink a beer with it.
Eat and Enjoy!

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Oviraptor over-easy. Oviraptor eggs are of good size and are relatively cheap. About $7 for half a dozen. Follow this recipe for a delicious nutritious breakfast!

Preparing: set large skillet on stove and set to high setting. Lather bottom of skillet with butter until melted. Crack 1 large Oviraptor egg into skillet, and imediantly set the heat to low.

Cooking: allow egg to sit for a few moments, and make sure not to break the yolk. While your waiting, put some bread in the toaster, and let cook for 3 mins. Butter toast and set on plate.

Serving: use spatula to scoop up egg onto plate with toast. Season egg with salt and pepper if you so desire.
enjoy!

I hope you found these instructions helpful!

[Dilopho]

This makes me sad 
Never eat dinosaurs 

Except if they are killed humanly on a farm like this:

[CarnegieCollector]

This makes me sad 
Never eat dinosaurs 

Except if they are killed humanly on a farm like this:

I'm sorry, I assure you that the majority of the dinosaurs used in my recipes are raised and killed humanly.
I usually only buy and eat free range dinosaurs.
The Velociraptor I used in my recipe was bought from a Dromeaosaur farm, where they run free and are humanly and painlessly killed.
The eggs for the Oviraptor Over Easy recipe also were free range and organic (No Hormones Added!)
As for the Mos-Chops, sadly, they were bought from a therapsid slaughter house, as I couldn't find any good priced free range, or wild caught Moschops.

hope this cleared things up.

Now to find out how to cook a saber tooth fillet

[Thylacosmilus]

This is an absurd!!!
How do you dare to suggest using a velociraptor antirrhopus in a food recipe?

Dont' you know that animal is a transgenic dinosaur created by food companies using genes from other living organisms (such as frogs) to make unfeathered and bigger raptors for fast food chains without thinking in the health risks?

If you doubt, look at the amount of times that the Ingen - the company responsible for the birth of this poor unnatural way of life - had its doors closed in places like Nublar and Sornar island where the food controls rules are not as strict as in the rest of the world.

Only recently, with the acquisition of Ingen by The Masrani Global Corporation, that their Genetically modified food have achieved a global market, but still strangely keeping its operations only in Nublar Island, where we had information about normal people in vacation who have suffered serious health problems (apparently with several cases of deaths covered up by the company) after coming into contact with their "products" last year.


After exposing my concerns, I hope that the next recipes involve only ingredients of natural origin, such as V. mongoliensis  and V. osmolskae

[Silvanusaurus]

Be very wary of this, there was a huge scandal recently when it was discovered that many of these products are actually made from processed Hippidion meat. 

[CarnegieCollector]

This is an absurd!!!
How do you dare to suggest using a velociraptor antirrhopus in a food recipe?

Dont' you know that animal is a transgenic dinosaur created by food companies using genes from other living organisms (such as frogs) to make unfeathered and bigger raptors for fast food chains without thinking in the health risks?

If you doubt, look at the amount of times that the Ingen - the company responsible for the birth of this poor unnatural way of life - had its doors closed in places like Nublar and Sornar island where the food controls rules are not as strict as in the rest of the world.

Only recently, with the acquisition of Ingen by The Masrani Global Corporation, that their Genetically modified food have achieved a global market, but still strangely keeping its operations only in Nublar Island, where we had information about normal people in vacation who have suffered serious health problems (apparently with several cases of deaths covered up by the company) after coming into contact with their "products" last year.


After exposing my concerns, I hope that the next recipes involve only ingredients of natural origin, such as V. mongoliensis  and V. osmolskae

Thank you for sharing your conserns.
First of all, I would like to point out that I did specifically use a Velociraptor osmolskae for my recipe.
I would like to thank you for informing me about "V. Antrrhoppus".
I knew they were modified but I didn't know they were THAT modified.
I also didn't know they carried health risks, which I will now consider suing Ingen for these unfortunate creatures. No dinosaur deserves to live like that, and I now no longer support using them in recipes.
If I can remember correctly, KFC (Kentucky Fried Corythosaurus) was recently exposed for using genetic modification on their hadrosaur meat to make them fatter, which caused extreme medical problems for many people.
It's unfortunate that people have died because of Ingen and "V. Antrihoppus".
It's also quite suspicious that they reside only on a secluded island, and that they covered up deaths.
I have reason to believe that,

[SECTION REMOVED BY SIMON MASRANI]

Perhaps we could all take a stand against these poor genetically modified "dinosaurs" and stop promoting and buying Ingens products.

I no longer support using V. Antrroppus in recipes. It's for everyone's own good.

[CarnegieCollector]

Be very wary of this, there was a huge scandal recently when it was discovered that many of these products are actually made from processed Hippidion meat. 

Hippidion meat? I thought it was processed placerias. I don't use that brand anyway. I only use real Smilodon meat in my fillets

[DinoLord]

Now to find out how to cook a saber tooth fillet

That picture looks mislabeled to me. Filet is usually cut from the back area and must be cooked quickly to avoid toughness. Meanwhile cheek meat must be cooked low and slow to break down the connective tissue.

[CarnegieCollector]

Now to find out how to cook a saber tooth fillet

That picture looks mislabeled to me. Filet is usually cut from the back area and must be cooked quickly to avoid toughness. Meanwhile cheek meat must be cooked low and slow to break down the connective tissue.

Hmm...it does seem to be mislabeled. Oh well, like I said, I don't use that brand.

[BlueKrono]

I find that sprinkling a little Saltasaurus on my dino steak always improves the flavor.

[CarnegieCollector]

I find that sprinkling a little Saltasaurus on my dino steak always improves the flavor.

Mmm! I agree. Saltasaurus and pepper always improves flavor.

[Halichoeres]

(Just kidding, please don't lock it.)

[CarnegieCollector]

(Just kidding, please don't lock it.)

I love that meme!

[CarnegieCollector]

Hey guys, I burned 789 calories today...

That's that last time I leave the troodon in the oven...

[Dilopho]

Is there anything I can do with prehistoric plants? Or anything for pterosaurs?
I only get the "fake" meat because I like meat but only certain types, e.g. beef burgers, hot dogs, mincemeat. But there has been a sale on pterosaur substitute and prehistoric veggiemeal at my local shops.

[CarnegieCollector]

Is there anything I can do with prehistoric plants? Or anything for pterosaurs?
I only get the "fake" meat because I like meat but only certain types, e.g. beef burgers, hot dogs, mincemeat. But there has been a sale on pterosaur substitute and prehistoric veggiemeal at my local shops.

Yes, there is many things you can do with those foods. Prehistoric plants (such as cycads, soft ferns, and horse tail reeds) make great salads, tofu, and snacks. Pterosaur meat is really tasty, and pterosaur substitute is just as good. Be warned though, pterosaur meat is full of fat, and commercialy sold "pterosaur in a can" usually has a lot of preservatives.

Pterosaur casserole: Pterosaur casserole is easy to make and can be made with pterosaur substitute.

Step one: preparing. First off, your going to need pterosaur meat. Different pterosaurs have different flavor. You can pick which one you think sounds best.
Dimorphodon-very gamey, and roast beef tasting
Pterodactylus-soft, tender, and juicy
Quetzalcoatlus- tough, needs to be well cooked, tastes like stake
Rhamphorynchus-tastes like pork, is cheap, and best in casseroles
DO NOT EAT JEHOLOPTERUS, IT IS GROSS AND TASTES LIKE SEWAGE!

Once you've chosen your desired pterosaur (I'm using commercially sold, pre-cooked deli Rhamphorynchus breast meat) dice the meat finely and pour it into bowl. Pour 1/2 cup of olive oil over it, salt the meat, and refrigerate it for 1 hour.

Step two: Cooking. Once it's done refrigerating, get a deep pan, and pour in cream corn, crushed saltine crackers, and meat. Stir well, then sprinkle Saltasaurus and pepper on top. Preheat oven to 350 F.
When it's done preheating, put casserole in for 30-45 mins, or until golden brown.

Step three: serving. When casserole is done, remove from oven, and let stand for 5 mins. Get a plate, scoop up desired portion of casserole and enjoy!

Cycad-fern-reed Vegan friendly snack:

This is a great food, ecspecially those on a paleo-diet. And it's fast to make!

Step one: preparing. Go to store and buy: 2 Radishes, 1 cycad leaf, 4 Horse Tail reed Stalks, and one small fern. Once home, get large salad bowl, knife, and tongs ready.

Step two: cooking. Steam all plants for 1 hour. Dice radishes into small peices and cut Horse-tail reeds like you would cut celery. Tear apart cycad leaf, and fern. Place all plants into salad bowl. Lightly sprinkle with olive oil and Hidden Valley™ Ranch. Stir with tongs.

Step three: Serving. Scoop and place desired amount of salad on plate or in bowl.
Enjoy! Or, if you don't enjoy it, toss it in the garbage and go get a steak instead.